Finding Myself Again, Now as a Mum

This week felt quite exciting for me personally because, for the first time in 11 months, I played tennis again.

Jordan and I went to play with his friend Egypt, and of course we brought Eliana along too. I was honestly so tired afterwards since my body just isn’t where it used to be before pregnancy, but it felt really good to be back out there.

I really do love tennis. Before I got pregnant, I played all the time, and it kept me feeling strong, so just being back on the court felt like a big step for me.

I’d love it if Eliana ends up liking tennis one day too. She’s got so much time before we’ll know what she’s into, but just thinking about maybe playing together someday makes me smile.

I’ve also been getting more consistent with my workouts again. I’m still taking things at my body’s pace, but I’m noticing that I can handle more and more as time goes on.

And honestly, I’m starting to feel more confident again, too.

My body isn’t anywhere close to where it was before pregnancy, and I know it’ll take time to get back there. But honestly, I think that’s part of what makes having a child so special. Pregnancy, birth, and motherhood ask so much of you, both physically and mentally.

I lost a lot of my fitness, the freedom to plan my day however I wanted and, in some ways, even my sense of beauty. I also became a much more selfless version of myself for my baby and rarely had the opportunity to take a break. I think being a mum is truly one of the hardest jobs a person could have; you cannot just clock out, as it is a 24/7 responsibility. No matter how tired you are, how much you need time for yourself, or even when you just want something as simple as a bath, you must always consider your little one. Still, all these challenges feel worth it when I look at Eliana.

We also had a really peaceful day this week where Jordan, Eliana and I went for a long walk through a park near us.

There wasn’t really anything particularly exciting about it. We walked, talked, had some lunch and just spent time together away from everything else.

But I think that’s exactly why I enjoyed it so much.

It was just the three of us, no stress, and it was such a peaceful day.

I’ve been using my Momcozy pumps for a while now, so I can finally share a real update.

Honestly, they’re really good.

The suction is strong, though. When I was first figuring out which settings worked for me, I actually ended up with some bruising. But now that I’ve worked them out properly, I’ve been really happy with them.

I do have to admit I’ve been struggling to pump consistently lately.

Sometimes it genuinely feels like there isn’t enough time in the day. And when I’m already exhausted, pumping can feel like it’ll take the last bit of energy I have left.

Since I wasn’t pumping as much as I should have been, my supply dipped a bit. For the last few days, I’ve been trying to pump more often throughout the day to build it back up. It’s been difficult, and honestly, I don’t think I was prepared for how tiring pumping would be before I gave birth. In the end, it is worth it because I know my body provides exactly what Eliana needs. Still, I cannot pretend it has been easy.

Getting my first period since giving birth didn’t help either.

It had been 11 months and three weeks since my last period, and I’d honestly forgotten just how painful they are.

I also looked into whether getting my period could have affected my milk supply, and it turns out some breastfeeding women do notice a temporary dip around their period. So between that and not pumping as consistently as I should have been, my supply has taken a bit of a hit.

I’m working on it though.

Getting into a proper routine still isn’t going smoothly, but we’re getting there.

I’m still adjusting to being a mother, and Eliana changes so quickly that it feels like I learn something new about her every week. As soon as I think I’ve figured something out, something else changes, which makes sticking to one exact routine quite difficult.

One thing I’ve really been trying to do is take better care of myself again.

After giving birth, I definitely put myself last. Of course Eliana needs me, she’s still so little, but I’ve realised that looking after myself doesn’t mean I’m taking anything away from her.

I’ve actually felt like a better version of myself lately. I’m exercising again, putting more effort into how I look, eating better, and generally feeling more confident.

Overall, I’d say I’m making good progress.

And I think that’s started to show up in my marriage too.

I feel like I’ve been a better wife to Jordan again lately. He’s been incredibly understanding throughout everything, but I also know the adjustment hasn’t been easy for him either, and I think it’s completely okay to acknowledge that.

Just because Jordan didn’t give birth to our baby doesn’t mean becoming a parent hasn’t required him to adjust too.

He’s been our rock since the beginning of my pregnancy. He works incredibly hard and somehow still always makes sure I’m as comfortable as possible, often without me even needing to ask.

I’m genuinely so grateful for my husband.

We’ve also started getting a bit more time together now that Eliana’s sleep is a little more predictable.

Nothing super exciting, just things like watching a movie together, having breakfast, or lying down and cuddling, but those simple things feel so much more special now.

For a while, everything was just about looking after a newborn. And as much as we love being Eliana’s mum and dad, we still need time to just be Leila and Jordan too.

She’s always with us since neither of us really likes being away from her, but now that we have a better idea of when she’ll sleep, we can actually use some of that time for each other.

I think that’s probably the biggest thing I’ve noticed this week.

We’re still figuring everything out. I’m still figuring motherhood out. I’m still rebuilding my fitness. I’m still working on my milk supply. We’re still trying to find a routine that actually sticks.

But things are starting to feel a little more settled.

And somewhere amongst all of that, I’m starting to feel more like myself again too.

And for this week, I think we’ll leave it at that.

See you in the next one!