When Trimester One Doesn’t Go as Planned

Once I found out I was pregnant, it didn’t take long before the symptoms came with it.

Before getting pregnant, I had this idea in my head that I would try my hardest to eat healthy, exercise and prepare my body for birth. And in the beginning, I did exactly that. I ate super healthy every day, avoided sugar, took my supplements and exercised.

Let’s say that God had a different plan for my pregnancy.

Literally out of nowhere, within an hour or two, everything changed. The nausea started, and the vomiting started, which caused me to start isolating myself.

The nausea was so extreme that even turning around in bed made me vomit. I got pretty close to dehydration and spent 90% of my time alone in bed. At that point, I was trying my hardest to keep anything down.

As grateful and excited as I was to be pregnant, the first trimester felt super dark for me.

I felt trapped in my own body. There was no escaping the nausea because it was always there. I genuinely started to feel like I'd never feel good again. I had been nauseous for so long that I almost forgot what feeling normal even felt like.

I also felt incredibly lonely, but not because anyone around me had done anything wrong. I just knew that nobody I knew really understood what I was going through.

A big reason I isolated myself was that I felt like a burden. I barely had enough energy to cope with my own emotions and the constant nausea, let alone anyone else’s, whether they were happy, sad or angry. I just wanted to be at home where I didn’t have to deal with the panic of being somewhere else when another wave of nausea hit.

Eating became incredibly difficult too.

At one point, I could pretty much only stomach bananas and salted Pringles. I drank water when I could, and occasionally I’d feel okay enough to have some milk.

And then there were eggs.

Before pregnancy, I ate eggs basically every day, and now I do again too. But during that first trimester, I couldn’t even hear someone mention an egg without gagging. I genuinely told my family not to talk about them around me, not to eat them near me and definitely not to cook them anywhere near me.

I tried to keep exercising in the beginning too. I really wanted to push through it, but eventually I just couldn’t. I constantly felt like I was going to vomit, and between the nausea, vomiting and exhaustion, I had no strength left in my body.

That was really difficult for me because fitness and taking care of my body have always been important to me. Suddenly I couldn’t do any of the things that normally made me feel like myself.

It felt like I was losing myself a little because I didn’t recognise the person I was in that moment.

But I think one of the hardest parts of all of this was the guilt.

I felt guilty in so many different ways. Part of me worried that struggling so much made me seem ungrateful, when our daughter was already the biggest blessing in my life. I was incredibly grateful to be pregnant with her, but I can’t say the pregnancy was easy.

More than anything, though, I felt guilty towards her.

I’d started the pregnancy wanting to give my body everything it needed to grow our daughter as healthily as possible. I wanted to eat well, take my supplements, exercise and do everything “right”.

Then suddenly I could barely eat or drink anything at all.

There were moments when I cried to Jordan because I genuinely felt like such a failure. In my head, if my body wasn’t getting what it needed, how could I possibly be giving her everything she needed? I was terrified that I wasn’t giving her the nutrients she needed.

I found myself constantly asking God to please make sure Eliana was healthy and growing well.

What frustrated me the most was that none of it was within my control. I wanted so badly to do everything I possibly could for our daughter, but my body wasn’t allowing me to have the pregnancy I’d imagined.

I barely have any photos of myself from my first trimester. I was so sick that taking pictures was honestly the last thing on my mind.

Even going for ultrasounds became bittersweet.

I’d spend the days leading up to them excited because I couldn’t wait to see her again. Then, on the day itself, I’d start worrying about how I’d cope with the nausea while out of the house.

Once we got there and saw that she was okay and growing, I always felt this huge sense of relief. Despite how sick I was, there she was, developing exactly as she should.

Then eventually the worry would creep back in again that I wasn’t eating enough or getting enough nutrients for her, and the cycle would start all over again.

My gynaecologist eventually prescribed ondansetron, which stopped the vomiting but didn’t completely take away the nausea.

Towards the end of the first trimester, I started to understand how to use it in a way that worked better for me. The nausea was still there, but at least having some control over the vomiting gave me more opportunities to actually eat something and keep it down.

Jordan came back from London around week 11, and I still remember one evening from that time so clearly.

We went out for dinner to tell his mum I was pregnant, and for the first time in weeks, I actually felt okay.

It was only one evening, but I remember feeling so grateful to God. After spending so long feeling sick and negative, that one little break from the nausea made me feel like myself again for a moment.

I had mussels and spaghetti aglio e olio, and Jordan had a margherita pizza. After dinner, we showed his mum the ultrasound and Jordan told her that we’d been planning to have a baby and that I was pregnant.

Unfortunately, once we got home, things pretty much went downhill again. I couldn’t stop vomiting and felt terrible.

Jordan truly helped me through that period and really through my pregnancy in general.

He got me anything I needed, without me having to ask. He took over everything around the house and looked after me when I didn’t have the energy and strength to look after myself.

I think seeing how he cared for me during that time was also one of the moments that made me realise what kind of father our daughter would soon have. I knew he’d do anything for her.

Looking back, that first trimester feels strange because I’m on the other side of everything I was so scared of.

Eliana is here, and she is as healthy as can be. I'm truly so grateful to God for this.

If I could speak to the version of myself lying in bed, who thought I would never feel good again and who was crying because I thought I wasn’t doing a good enough job for her, I’d tell her not to be so scared.

Everything will pass. You won't feel like this forever.

Eliana is okay.

And even though it feels like you’re failing her, you’re not. You are doing a good job. You’re doing the best you can for her.